Friday 30 August 2013

Midnight blues

In the end, differences, ends of friendship, breakups are nothing, even if that means that the two persons will not meet again. It's just another way - a new way, to be together. The two persons do not totally lose touch. I may not be seeing William anymore but I still think of him. I still wonder what he does, where he is, what he eats or reads. I still keep an eye on what he does on Facebook and I know he also follows my activity. He sometime sends me little messages, perhaps hoping that I will change my mind and run back to him. I have to pinch myself not to call him, tell him how much I miss him and make an appointment by the riverside... Instead I send him cold, distant replies. 
It's not the same with Nicolas. I'm brooding over this broken friendship. My sentiments are ambivalent. There's anger and sadness. We may have been best of friends, but the breakup is like a lovers'. All the things held back during all these years have no outlet. I wish we could at least have had a decent farewell. instead of an e-mail not unlike those admisnitrative letters of rejection. I wish him well, however. Since he's cut all means of connection with me, I only feel a heavy silence. I wonder what he thinks, how his life is in his new flat. I wonder if the company he told me about will really do the career build-up they promised him. But now I have to learn not to care. 

As I was walking home from the gym, I suddenly felt extremely lonely. All the effeverscence in my work doesn't prevent me from feeling this absence in my life. 
I have new friends, I made new friends. New encounters excite me, be it work, frienship or sex. I will soon go back to Paris, but I feel I'm nowhere at the same time.

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