Back to the elements

I was standing barefoot on the hiking road, craning to catch a glimpse of the birds I could hear singing from the tall trees around me. It was decided that the shooting would take place on the Tai Po mountain. The project? A short promotional film that Johnny Li, a designer / interior designer decided make to introduce the spirit of his new company and new space, which will be launched by the end of the year. Josh , the director who was hired for the occasion went on location scouting and found this trail on the mountain. There was other alternatives but the Tai Po mountain obviously perfectly suited his vision. Johnny had Josh and I fly to Hong Kong especially for the project and was tight with time: we only had one day of shooting and the weather didn't seem willing to cooperate with us. The clouds were hovering low above us and it had started raining as soon as we stepped into the car! Josh, Norm (who joined the project to do the cinematography -  might as well use all the talents around) and the film crew were busy setting the camera. The weather had not been as Johnny had expected - well, read on the weather report: sunny. But somehow the shooting went well. I digged a hole, made a fire, walked on rocks, crossed a brook, watered a plant, went up and down a hill, all this barefoot.
I had felt the strong urge to connect with nature and Hong Kong wouldn't strike anyone as the ideal place. But that day of shooting gave me the perfect opportunity.
As the camera was being set for the last scene, I looked up and saw the branches high above me and the birds were giving the most extraordinary concert. I was happy.

Blue Hotel

I remember once my mother telling me that she was lying on her bed one afternoon when my friend Jan and I were playing music downstairs. "I felt such a loneliness


In between... Changes of frequency, moon, full moon, eclipse, lunar knot... Words that Nicolas use to explain all the disturbances that we go through. Have been going through, will go through... Our condition as human beings doesn't leave much to envy. This month of May is supposed to be a very difficult one. 

I didn't really want to believe it completely, but I have to say, I'm yielding to it.

I haven't been feeling so well since I came back from Paris, a month or so ago. As usual, this recent stay in Paris was a very draining one, albeit a better one than the previous time last autumn. I had been wiser and more skilled at handling the family situation with my parents, gave myself more time to see my friends and  take a deep breath, in spite of the workload. I was looking forward to being back in Taipei.
But coming home was like getting numb. Nicolas had been staying there for a month already - he was looking for a flat and things didn't turn the out way he hoped, planned or expected - he's still here now...
My flatmate Ryan had finally found a partner, after months attempting to make me his boyfriend. Long months during which I had to be careful not to hurt his feelings - even though we were not together, he still would act like a jealous lover whenever I would see someone or bring someone home, something I would rarely do anyway, being the one who always tries to make sure everyone is fine around me, at the cost of sacrificing my own space.
There was even less space on my return. Nicolas' presence. His ongoing depression and emotional instability, his restlessness at finding a new flat. I had to reconquer my space but found it difficult to do so. Without being really being aware of it, I was absorbing the low mood around me. Ryan had been patient and said nothing about Nicolas' extended stay, but he preferred to close the doors and protect his intimacy. I sleepwalked through the month without realising that Nicolas' depression was affecting me as well.
It was only when he took a few days to go to Taichung with a couple of friends that the atmosphere suddenly became lighter. Ryan was having a beer with his beloved one and invited me to join them. I was busy working on my new website but gladly accepted the offer. It was the first time we sat around the table for a drink. Ryan seemed somehow relieved. Maybe unconsciously he had felt Nicolas' strong dislike of him without being to put it into words. Even if Nicolas is a very dear friend, that doesn't mean I have to be blind to some aspects of his personality and accept things I strongly disagree with. His selfishness, absolutist, ruthless nature and calculating mind sometime really put me off.   

The Captive Queen, c'est moi!!!

As Flaubert who said 'Madame Bovary, c'est moi!' I could also say 'The Captive Queen, c'est moi!' Although I realise it's dangerous to use the word queen outside of the semantic field of royalty...

I just completed the score intended for what was supposed to be my fourth collaboration with Jo Kanamori: The Captive Queen.

It took me a couple of weeks before I could go back to that piece, after Jo finally decided that it wasn't going to work out this time. Since I no longer had to follow Sibelius' musical structure so closely, I allowed myself to wander a little away from the narrative.
As I listened to it again, I realise how much the music was saying my current state of being. As Nicolas said when he heard it: "The music is very beautiful, very much aware, not at all lost. What I sense is this yearning for abandonment, to let go. Not of yourself, but what keeps your prisonner."

I have been dealing with that eversince I came back from Paris, more than a month ago.  

A quote / a mirror

"The profession of composer is peculiar in that it is the principal activity and occupation of a man who exerts himself to produce wares for which no-one has any use..."
Arthur Honegger

Genealogy

My mother was giggling incontrollably.
"What?" I asked my father, confused. "So your mother's father was a friend of your father's father, that's why your father married his wife's younger sister (my grand mother) when she passed away? "
I also learned that my great-grand father had a first official wife from Huê and a concubine beside my great-grand mother, who was from Saigon. I had never heard about that first wife.
"And I gather that my great-grand mother was a beautiful woman, seeing that her son was a very handsome man...?"
"Yes" my father replied. And it was so that on his official duties, he would go out with the second wife and never with the first one who was not blessed with good looks." 
It's so nice to have a large family...

Premiere of Thanh Giong

It happens again and again as new projects come and go, and the miracle never fails to happen. When I stepped into the artists' entrance of the Berlin Philharmonie Hall, it seemed like the most natural thing and excitement was literally devouring me! On the wall posters for upcoming concerts, rehearsal schedules. Do people who work there realise what a privilege it is? Do musicians who come to rehearse or perform feel the same excitement? I wish never to become jaded. 

Lior Shambadal had reassured me the previous day, after the second rehearsal: the acoustic of the Berlin Philharmonie has been designed in such a way that the music will sound good wherever the listener is sitting. "I have played there countless times, I can assure you that it will!"

Some of the musicians came to me to congratulate me on the music. They usually would perform a more classical repertoire so that was a welcome change to them. Some others just didn't care and just came and left, like clerks in an office.
I was happy to have this contact with the musicians. It made me feel less like a tourist. I started to explain to them how I wished certain parts to be played. Maybe I should have insisted even more, impose myself more as the composer. There is still some way to go, before I exude such self confidence that people just bow down to me!

Simon said after the concert that when he saw me take a bow on stage, it was obvious to me that it was the place where I belong, instead of collaborating with other people and remaining in the shadow. The sentiment was also strong in me. Now that Thanh Giong is done, I feel everything is possible. I want to write more instrumental music.
My beloved goddess Karen and Alain came especially from Paris to attend the event. They clearly felt how important it was for me. I wish my father could come. I owe him so much, and the piece was dedicated to him, a gift for his 80th birthday. Seeing Karen and Simon reconnected me to an idea of 'real' life. It was indeed happening, and if I were to forget, they were there to remember for me!

The next project will be for dance. But I'm happy: I reunite with Jo, albeit for a short piece. Now I deserve a few days of rest

Rehearsal in Berlin

In front of me, the Berliner Symphoniker was getting ready for the second day of rehearsal. The musicians were tuning their instrument or practicing some segments of the score. Since everybody is playing something different it's a big pandominium - one that I enjoy. I feel happy and excited. It was only tomorrow that we would be at the Philharmonie, that great temple of music, built for Herbert von Karajan in the 60's. Just one and only rehearsal before the concert...
Today Thomas Wittmann will not be present - nor will he be tomorrow, because he is stuck in a very tight rehearsal schedule for a new play with the Berlin Ensemble. What were they thinking when they hired him, or what was he thinking when he accepted the jog? We can only trust that everyone's talent will be sufficient to give a n honorable performance. What they didn't expect is that the piece was more musically complex than they imagined: a symphonic tale based on a famous Vietnamese legend. An Asian counterpart to Prokofiev's Peter and the Wolf? (That was their request). Maybe I could have made things simpler for myself and create lots of tuneful melodies. And yet... as Kiêt told me, that was the very first time a Vietnamese composer had his work performed at this prestigious concert hall.

The dân bâù (monochord) player had just arrived this morning. A friendly and witty man, he was concerned about the music. "I have never played with an orchestra of that magnitude... I usually perform for evenings and parties with my keyboard... And you music is so complicated!!!!" 
I tried to reassure him by showing that I fully trusted he would effortlessly rise to the challenge. I had other concerns in mind. I had learned that the manager had hired a couple of Vietnamese acrobats for the performance. I secretly wished they would do something before or after Thanh Giong but my hopes were quickly shattered. They had worked with the Cirque du Soleil. The mention of that name would have triggered another kind of reaction from, given another circumstance, but here I was falling apart in desperation.  
A narrator, a traditional Vietnamese instrument, two acrobats... It seemed the whole project was turning into ... a circus. Great and talented as they were, those two acrobats didn't care much about the narrative nor the music. Their sole focus was to find space to show off their skills. I was boiling and fuming inside. Partly at Tuân for not having made anything clear to anyone: everybody still thought he would be performing for the concert, whence the two acrobats who were asked at the last minute. His name was still on the flyers and pamphlet advertising for the event. I nearly gave up when Kiêt suggested the idea that his son played a Vietnamese folk song on the flute before the concert as a way to introduce the music and the story to the audience. Except that his sons didn't play the flute... "Damn Vietnamese", I thought, "Even when they're working for great orchestras they still can't help making everything look like a Paris by Night gala show!" 
But the day was saved by some luminous moments. Eventhough I was acutely aware that the score was not to overshadow any work by Stravinsky or Prokofiev, I had felt, for the first time in months, this formidable hint of joy inside me when they started playing the opening bars of the music. Some section will definitely have to be revised and enhanced but I could give myself a pat on the shoulder. It didn't have to hide in shame for my first attempt at composing and orchestral piece without any experience whatsoever.