Thursday 9 May 2013

Blue Hotel

I remember once my mother telling me that she was lying on her bed one afternoon when my friend Jan and I were playing music downstairs. "I felt such a loneliness

In between... Changes of frequency, moon, full moon, eclipse, lunar knot... Words that Nicolas use to explain all the disturbances that we go through. Have been going through, will go through... Our condition as human beings doesn't leave much to envy. This month of May is supposed to be a very difficult one. 
I didn't really want to believe it completely, but I have to say, I'm yielding to it.
I haven't been feeling so well since I came back from Paris, a month or so ago. As usual, this recent stay in Paris was a very draining one, albeit a better one than the previous time last autumn. I had been wiser and more skilled at handling the family situation with my parents, gave myself more time to see my friends and  take a deep breath, in spite of the workload. I was looking forward to being back in Taipei.
But coming home was like getting numb. Nicolas had been staying there for a month already - he was looking for a flat and things didn't turn the out way he hoped, planned or expected - he's still here now...
My flatmate Ryan had finally found a partner, after months attempting to make me his boyfriend. Long months during which I had to be careful not to hurt his feelings - even though we were not together, he still would act like a jealous lover whenever I would see someone or bring someone home, something I would rarely do anyway, being the one who always tries to make sure everyone is fine around me, at the cost of sacrificing my own space.
There was even less space on my return. Nicolas' presence. His ongoing depression and emotional instability, his restlessness at finding a new flat. I had to reconquer my space but found it difficult to do so. Without being really being aware of it, I was absorbing the low mood around me. Ryan had been patient and said nothing about Nicolas' extended stay, but he preferred to close the doors and protect his intimacy. I sleepwalked through the month without realising that Nicolas' depression was affecting me as well.
It was only when he took a few days to go to Taichung with a couple of friends that the atmosphere suddenly became lighter. Ryan was having a beer with his beloved one and invited me to join them. I was busy working on my new website but gladly accepted the offer. It was the first time we sat around the table for a drink. Ryan seemed somehow relieved. Maybe unconsciously he had felt Nicolas' strong dislike of him without being to put it into words. Even if Nicolas is a very dear friend, that doesn't mean I have to be blind to some aspects of his personality and accept things I strongly disagree with. His selfishness, absolutist, ruthless nature and calculating mind sometime really put me off.   

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