Wednesday 31 July 2013


What do I want? I just wrote to William that I thought it best to let him go. His boyfriend was away on a short holiday. A good opportunity to spend nights together, I said. I waited in high anticipation for those precious nights. But nothing came. William, as an excuse sent me messages with some of those annoyingly cute characters speaking on his behalf. One was sleeping, another was coping with the heat when another one was blushing... I was disappointed but not surprised. And I had been thinking about it for some time already. My first attempt a few months ago at distancing myself from him did not come from nowhere.
Nearly one in the morning. I typed the words slowly. Not believing that I was doing it. The  relationship was pushing both of us toward an uncomfortable (and hopeless) situation. The recent crisis with his boyfriend must have resulted in him being more cautious now. I wanted to ask him how many other guys he was seeing beside me... Lately, I had been more and more sensitive to my solitude. Maybe age, maybe the fact that I live in a foreign country, not knowing the language, far away from friends and family...

James A. told me today about personality types. He likes to do research and read about self development. According to the Keirsey Temperament Sorter, James said, I was an 'artisan promoter / composer'. That type of people are usually very good at selling themselves and their ideas and are constantly testing and challenging beyond their limits in order to grow as a individual. They don't usually follow rules and pursue activities that offer joy and pleasure. They are also easily bored when their field of action constrains them. to So true...
"When I heard him talk, I really thought it was such an accurate description of yourself!" James said.
Type or not type, I find myself wondering if I really know what I want when it comes to love. Many friends were surprised that I would accept to be the other man in a love triangle. You deserve better! They say. Let him go! Others say.
Another thing I read about the artisan promoter is that they want their lover to be a playmate (not a bunny one) someone who can be a partner and enjoy the pleasures and excitement they themselves seek.
On one of the many social networks I happen to use, somebody was asking me: "What are you looking for?", certainly expecting me to come up with a physical description of the ideal super mate. I usually reply: "Someone who surprises me".

So goodbye William. It's hard to let go of someone I love, you know...

Listen to
Love Profusion

A cover of a Madonna song from her disregarded American Life. I wanted to do an reinterpretation of the song that would showcase her strong sense of melody and the melancholic undertone.
I did the cover in April, with (of course) William in mind... 

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