Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Solitude standing

So now I am in Taipei. It isn't an easy affair. Not as smooth and simple as I imagined it. Administration would drive anyone crazy here - as in any other country, I guess, France and Italy being the winners…
And leaving a country where I was born and raised isn't easy either. I was so busy with all the projects in the first months that I didn’t have time to think of it. Then it fell on me. I started really missing Paris, my family and friends. I am in Taipei and feel so lonely. Of course, I see friends here and there, I have a good laugh, a good shag, a nice night out… But I am lonely. For now, no work, no project. Chinese New Year seems to have suspending everything in time. Of course I was sick for a whole week, not sleeping in my room but in the little guest room, where I feel more cosy and safe. My flatmate had gone back to his family for a week, as has everyone else.
The flat keeps my mind and hands busy and prevents me from sinking too deep in disarray.

The heavy feeling started after my trip to Paris for the French premiere of NINA in December. It had been the crowning of a very great if exhausting year. I had the feeling I had come full circle. But then what? I really had to face some issues I yet had not faced. It’s quite challenging to strip your soul completely bare and look at it in the mirror. Or is it something else then my soul? The projection of myself? My illusions? Whatever it was, I had to face it. It took time. But the process was about true self love. Not loving myself because a particular reason which makes me feel good. Simply love myself. Love. Unconditionally. I guess we’re never taught that. As children, we are always told to do something good to win people’s love or appreciation. Even our parents do that, of course unconsciously.
Being alone in a foreign country is the best way to reconsider one’s life. The idea wasn’t to transpose a former life in a new setting. What didn’t work had to be sorted out or at least questioned. 
Sometime I wish I could delude myself and believe in the comfort of security. But I just can’t lie to myself.

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