Happy finality

I was having a quiet dinner with Dennis. Two days later I was to have the first rehearsal with Isabelle and Vanessa for the launch of my mother's book. 

"You know there's no piano at the gallery anymore, don't you?" Dennis said between two bites of the Filipino style chicken he had cooked.

I nearly choked. "No piano?" 

"The jazz band took it back, in May, I think."

"Is there the slimmest chance that it may have come back to the gallery....?" I knew the question needed no answer. There was only two solutions: whether I would have to bring my mother's digital piano, or I would have to come up with new music and play it from the laptop - but what laptop?
After a talk with Vanessa, it became clear that I would have to opt for the second solution. Vanessa didn't think she would manage to do her  improvisation on a digital piano: she wanted to play with the strings, with the wooden structure and make sounds out of it. How relieved she was when I told her I would take care of the music myself. And the mere thought of having to find a car and bring the piano all the way to the gallery on a Sunday afternoon in Paris was enough to discourage me. And I was supposed to sit back and enjoy the event...

My brother provided the laptop. After two rehearsals and two evenings spent working on the music we were fine ready. I didn't need to worry about the performance. Isabelle being a pro, she captivated the thirty children and the parents who accompanied them.
"The doors were not yet open, and a woman came and said to me", Isabelle told me after the show. "She said: I have ten boys with me, around 10 year old, high on testoterone and addicted to Wii!!! When can we get in? I thought to myself: Isabelle you have to rise to the challenge!"
And it was a success. Adults and children alike were all enchanted. The children, including the ten hyperactive boys, were attentive and taken by the stories. Praises went to Isabelle, of course, but also to my mother's writing. As a result, many copies of the book were sold afterward.
My mother was elated and so happy to witness the fruit of her labour. She may claim that she doesn't care, but I know she had now good reasons to be proud of herself.
Vanessa came with a friend of hers - also a pianist, and both agreed to bring the project to the next level. "A reading with two pianos, perhaps?". Whatever it is, I think I will organise something for Christmas or/and Chinese New Year!
We celebrated with a dinner at a nearby restaurant.
My nephew Vu An enchanted everyone with his newly improved vocabulary. Only a few months ago he could barely say more than 'Papa' or 'Mama'...

Luminous

I watched two films, read one book and miraculously managed a bit of sleep, sandwiched in a small seat between a chubby and physically invasive Czech woman and an elderly giant German man who couldn't stop coughing. I told myself "Just imagine that you will be walking the streets of Paris in a few hours and that these interminable hours on the plane will be nothing more than a vague memory..."

My faithful and long time friend Jan was there to pick me up at the airport as he's done many times in the past, in spite of the early hour (6 a.m.). "Our little airport routine!" he said with a big smile, without a hint of a yawn.

The journey into the city usually allows us to inform each other of our respective state of life whilst marvelling at the beautiful sunrise on the freeway. 

We headed to Dennis' flat - I had decided to opt for a new strategy and stay at his place, so to constantly bring a fresh element of surprise and joy on each of my visit to my parents, thus allowing myself some space and not being caught in a self-destructive pattern. 

My mother was sitting on the piano bench as I opened the door. She dashed to me and gave me a big hug. "So glad you passed by!!!" she joked.

"We were just calling Jan, because we didn't know when exactly you'd arrive" my father said, with the phone still in hand.

The first day went by smoothly. My presence is a boost in their daily and fairly uneventful routine. I was happy and relieved to see them still strong and valiant. My mother's state seems stable, even though I could detect some little progress of the Alzheimer disease.
The afternoon was luminous.

Again

And it happened. I saw William again after a one month hiatus. There wasn't much time left. I had spent the day running accross the city to buy all the presents for my family and some friends. 

"Do you want to go to the hotspring?" he asked. 

I immediately accepted. It was getting a bit late but taking a dip in the hot pool would be a perfect way to end the day.

I only wish I don't start a pattern of break ups and mendings. As we were in the car, I told William that if I didn't expect him to leave his boyfriend, I would not keep on being his closet secret. It was important that he told him about our relationship. 

"Just take the time to think about it". 

William said that he would. I can only hope that he does. 

Not so deep inside, I felt so glad and peaceful to see him again.

"I just cannot go on being away from you..." 

I couldn't believe I was saying something so tacky. William, as usual, didn't say much, but I knew from the way he looked at me that he was happy that we met again.

So what's next? 

Strike a pose

Little by little, I manage to get all my work done before my departure for Paris next Monday. Today was the photo shoot with Raymond Huang for his book about musicians. I booked the entire afternoon for it. Raymond was to come to my place and take the picture here, instead of me coming to his studio. He brought all his equipment and came with his young assistant. I find it difficult to trust a photographer. Maybe out of vanity, I like to retain a certain control over my  image. I know my angles, I know what kind of light works best on me... That's why I hate snapshots or pictures taken randomly. even when more often than not, I'm surprised (and relieved) to see that those quickie pictures come out well. As a result, I have developed my skill at self-portraiture. 

I knew I could trust Raymond. He had a few ideas in mind already, but remained open to suggestion. We did a series by the piano, one of me lying on the floor, another one against the CD shelves and a final one in my room. 

Raymond has that gift to make his subject feel comfortable and confident. I don't think I ventured very fast from what I usually do for my own pictures, but it was a good change to have a real photographer behind the lens instead of using the timer!

The book shall be published in December and will be launched with an exhibition. 

Suddenly...

A voice messsage from Damien, calling from Paris. I couldn't hear very well, but I understood it was about concerts. I wrote back to him saying that we could discuss the matter when I'm in Paris then went to sleep. It was nearly 2 AM.

The answer came back quickly: No! we had to discuss about it now, Damien wrote. Because the schedule was being done right now. I was given a set of concert dates. Which one could I do? 

11/29-30 and 12/13-14 were possible for me. One concert in Shanghai and one in Hong Kong the next day. Shanghai!!!!???? I had never been there. I couldn't believe what Damien was saying! 

"The concerts will be paid US 1500$ each , excluding flight and accomodation, and will take place at the Kee Club in both cities."

In my mind, ideas and music were whirling in fast motion. Set list, songs, arrangements, musicians, rehearsals... When, how, who, what???

But I accepted. I'll never know what will happen until I allow it to happen. Therefore, I must take the dive!

I immediately thought of Emily as a musical partner on stage. She's talented, she's fast, she looks good and I love the cello! 

"Oh.... will there be any piano there?" I asked

"You want a white one with candles?"
Perfect I thought. Another big adventure. 

Yes, Emily at the cello, tapes and me at the piano. The how will be handled later. 

And a few days ago, my friend Matthew, after watching the music video of To the Sun, was telling how he wished he could see me perform on stage. I remembered how, at the start of the year, I had promised myself to be be giving concerts again. I had no clue how. Once again the universe has heard me!
That said, nothing's settled yet... Wait and see!

In concert at the Café de la Danse, 2006, Paris. 

Ritorna

I just couldn't resist it any longer. At 5:14pm I sent William a message: There isn't a single day that I don't think of you. I miss you so much. I'm aware that I could have been a tad more original, but I have to make it simple for him, since his command of English isn't that advanced. At 22:05, his reply came in the shape of one of those cute stickers that never fail to exasperate me: a weeping rabbit contemplating the photo of his beloved bear. I didn't know there was a sticker for every single life/love situation...

William has never been the talkative type. His silences and his presence can express more than pages of words.

He hasn't tried to contact me the past three weeks, certainly because he doesn't to add salt to the wound, but I know he keeps an eye on me. Whenever I post a new picture on Facebook, I can see a little 'like' from him.

I wonder whether I should try to maintain the distance a little longer until the feeling wanes, or whether I should take action and be more aggressive? However, do I have the right to compel him to make a decision? I guess not. So the question returns to me: what does the situation reflects of me?
I met up with Jin who gave me a make-up set for Thursday's shooting with Raymond. We sat around a cup of tea and naturally, the topic of love and relationship quickly became the main core of the conversation.
"Have you ever tried to maintain a relationship when you're not madly in love with the person... that your feeling are no more than a liking of the person?" Jin asked me.
"I guess in that case, I wouldn't bother. I wouldn't now. Maybe I would just try to be friend, eventhough friendship also requires lots of effort. Maybe that's why I'm single..." I gave a faint laugh. 

"Because I know that in my case, a relationship would work if my partner loves me more than I do. If I really fall madly in love with someone, it would be too passionate, I would do anything for the person. And that's not good."
I agreed. I had done that too often in my life. And the ideal lover does not exist. First you're on a cloud, then you have to adjust with the differences, given that you love the person enough to make that step. The concept of perfection is one of the greatest human illusion.
But I will try again with William. I know I had to.

To the Sun

On Friday midnight, I finally launched the music video of To the Sun. Zed and I finalised all the post-production and colour fine-tuning the day before, so excited to be able to show and share it with everyone.

"I wonder how people will react to it" I mused. 

"You'll find out on Saturday." Zed replied.

I couldn't help thinking of that quote from composer Arthur Honegger that I wrote in my diary a few months ago: The profession of composer is peculiar in that it is the principal activity and occupation of a man who exerts himself to produce wares for which no one has any use.

Even if I try hard to remain positive, that's how I have been thinking all my life. I have big dreams, big projects, ambitious ideas. Some of them have seen the light, some of them will be realised. And yet, I always have the impression that the world is indifferent to what I may do or say. I shouldn't disregard the few people who support and follow me, I know that some of them genuinely like and enjoy my work.  

Reactions to To the Sun were fairly positive. "Congratulation! It's edited, shot and performed very well" (Norm) ... "'Nothing comes to Light' is more dark and artful. This one is more active, colourful, handsome, youthful and interesting!" (Matthew) .... "Congratulation for your beautiful MV! I simply like it!" (Alvin) ... "Thumb up, An!!! I was really impressed by some shots, the colour and blurred ones. It was a great idea to use make up for the beaten up scene, makes it realistic and beautiful. Taipei is so photogenic. And I really think the idea of the flashback/mirage in the end is so cool!" (Stéphane) ...
"Awesome! Love the music video! My favourite parts were the voice over intro, the overall cinematography and the story (which reminded me of that Jimmy Liao's story "Turn left, Turn right"). But yeah, good job!" (Josh) ... 

I embraced those words with delight. There weren't so many comments. Apart from the same small circle of close friends and supporters who follow me, it seems that people's attention span does not last more than a few seconds. If one doesn't manage to catch their interest within that short amount of time and give them that instant excitement, one has to resign to sink into the limbo of oblivion. That explains why people are much more receptive to my photos. The thought was dispiriting. I should learn from the tree that I see from my window. It grows quietly, just being a tree and not thinking or wishing about anything else.

Watch:

To the Sun (Music Video)