Bévinda

Bévinda has grown her hair long again. So she asked me to do some new pictures for her.
My brother had lent me his new camera a couple of months ago, but I had not touched it until today. I didn't feel very comfortable with that new toy. But when came the time to get in action, I tried my best.
And yes, I enjoy it very much. Quite a change from little Sony Cybershot!
Today, Bévinda was turned into a 40's Hollywood movie star à la Joan Crawford. We didn't have any light, so I told to lie down on the floor where the sun was coming by the windows and keep her eyes opened in spite of the light blinding as I was shooting the pictures. Il faut souffrir pour être belle!

C'est fini

« The important thing is being obsessed, then noticing when something more important than your obsession comes along«  Brian Eno.

The termination of my Taiwan stay is getting more and more real. I am the acrobat who’s about to fall from the rope into the void. The project is far form being finished. The mixing hasn’t been done at all. We were still recording the vocals for the last song today. Even trained singers need a whole session for a song, much less the untrained ones. However Wei-Wei did a fairly good job. Se was the last one to record her vocals and I know that she was under the pressure of singing if not well, at least adequately, especially after all the comments she would have heard from me or Micky about the other members of the cast. To my greatest relief, she showed a very good musicality and proved a fairly good singer, in spite of her inexperience. ChingYao gave me a good hand at supervising her voice and also providing backing vocals for a few songs. It was truly enjoyable for him, for it offered him an opportunity to sail away from the classical realm. I appointed him company vocal director until the last performance day. It was a hoot to do the backing vocals with him and see the harmonies slowly come to life as each part was being added. I even got to do my first singing in Mandarin! When all else fails, just sing!

I will leave Taiwan an illegal visitor, won’t get to see the result of all this labour of love - if labour it can be called, for it was all but work in the usual sense of the word. I could go on forever in this studio, recording instruments, mixing, singing, composing, playing this wonderful Steinway grand piano, directing the musicians...
Music is my life.

This is the Muppet Show

Mayhem that would not speak its name. I have reached this stage of exasperation when I no longer care about anything, just do my part of the job and then leave. The actors hired for Auntie proved to be incompetent when in front of the microphone. I’m aware that we lose forty percent of our capacity and self confidence because of the pressure of doing well and right. However, the casting for this musical was done regardless of the crucial fact that they would have to sing!
Now Micky, the producer and sound engineer, has to spend hours fixing the vocals. Not just one note here and there, but usually the intonation, the phrasing and the pitch. After this laborious process, the result is: decent singing.
Complaining about the situation won’t help matters. I have grown attached to the performers. They’re wonderful people. But if I let my emotions lead me, then I'm in trouble.
While discussing with Micky, I stated my wish to audition an entirely new cast for the CD. I have learned yesterday that the album might be distributed by EMI -fantastic news, but which means that it would be self-sabotage if we keep the original cast on the CD. At best, we would have some sympathetic support and at the other end of the line, the company will no longer be taken seriously at all. The decision isn’t mine to take. I am just the composer. I tried my best. However, when so much money is wasted because of ill judgement or just plain ignorance of the facts, somebody has to speak up.

I’m leaving in 6 days. There isn’t much time left for anything. Everyone is very nervous and tries his best. But the set of dice isn’t the best combination. Yu-Guo should not be the director. The rehearsals are dragging along because he cannot handle the demands of the actors. Lian Yen should not be in charge of the promotion simply because it is a job that should be performed by someone who’s been professionally trained for that. I’m really concerned and worried. And I feel even worse because I will not be there to give them support to the very end. Feel like abandoning a group of handicaped children...
So what happen now?

Conversation with Xiao III

Xiao:

Hello, are you all fine?

aaken:

I should learn how to clone myself

Xiao:

What do you mean?

aaken:

I have so much to do, I should have doubles

Xiao:

Are you depressed?

Anyway, take good care of yourself, I believe you will do well.

aaken:

Depressed? Why?

No, but there's just so much to do and I'm pushing myself a bit too far at the moment/

Xiao:

Make sure you're pushing yourself to enjoy, but not suffer.

Then I can take it as a moaning of happiness!

aaken:

I'm fine. Some days are more difficult to get through than others.

But as I said, making music brings me so much joy, that the rest doesn't really matter.

Xiao:

Ok. Good.

aaken:

I'm illegal in Taiwan now

Xiao:

Anyway, you'll fly away soon

aaken:

I know

I dread the post ‘baby’ blue a little, I must admit.... But I won't think more about it

Xiao:

As every child finally coming into this world, no wonder.

aaken:

Yes. Listening to the music that I have written also brings me lots of satisfaction.

I'm happy about it

So what have you been doing the past week? We haven't spoken much

Xiao:

Nothing else than crazy working, which is both comforting and distressing

aaken:

Not distressing…

Xiao:

Yes, it is

aaken:

Why?

aaken:

Because we feel we're missing something else?

Xiao:

What do u mean?

Oh… Maybe.

It puts a lot of pressure

Sometimes I don't know why I have to be that diligent and responsible.

aaken:

Your work is different.

I don't mind having to be responsible

Xiao:

I'm devoting my energy and time and patience and vigour into it.....

aaken:

Power comes with lots of responsibilities

Xiao:

I have complicated feeling about this business.

On one hand, I have to do it, to make a living, also find fun and interest and a sense of success sometime.

On the other hand, most of my life time has been spent on it, but it never really belongs to me.

I don't like to see myself pouring energy into something which will finally fade away from me. And the reality is: I can't help doing that again and again… At least for now.

aaken:

I understand

Xiao:

I dreamed of an old lady, a famous music conductor in China.

aaken:

And?

Xiao:

She drove for me home, I was so tired that I nearly fell asleep on the back seat

I woke up when she stopped the car at the destination.

I felt so ashamed and guilty, coz she's 80 years old!

I thought she must be very tired too. And I asked her come back soon.

aaken:

Psychologists say that it's only us in a dream.

So what shall it mean? Who is this lady in you?

Xiao:

But she seemed to smile despite all that.

aaken:

You know why you're doing what you’re doing.

Xiao:

It seems she didn't care much about my concern. Then I started to say something to her.

I said I wanted to be a musician, finally, in order to show that miraculous world I have been to.... and a lot of that kind of feelings.

aaken:

Did she react to that?

Xiao:

But a bit surprisingly, she just listened and said no encouraging words.

She seemed to be falling into some state of ecstasy or meditation

I didn't know what was going on, she was just like a wall in front of me, listening to me quietly, no objection, no smile... just looking very serious.

aaken:

How did you react to her, then?

Xiao:

The same as before. I was a bit excited to express my ideal about this music kingdom in front of her, feeling crystal clear in my mind.

aaken:

Then how did you feel afterwards?

Xiao:

I simply took her as a trustworthy person to tell, regardless how she would react... I knew she would not be annoyed by me.

I felt calm, but there was no revelation.

aaken:

In this dream, it’s two sides of yourself

Xiao:

The picture is like this: she's like a lake, and I'm like a melody.

aaken:

Oh you saw it that way? I interpreted it as one being beyond life (because she's lived it and is wise) and the other sleeping and dreaming....

Xiao:

No...I had woken up from my sleep and my tiredness

She drove for me.

I was like a devoted disciple.

In fact, I only saw her once in my life when I was in Xia'men City.

aaken:

I always see dreams as a little sign that our subconscious is sending us

They usually help me understand things about a given situation. Or how to balance a situation, or a state of being.

Xiao:

Well.....I think I know what she is in reality now.

She is part of you

Very likely

aaken:

Is she?

Why? How?

Xiao:

Well....of course she doesn't fully represent you

You see, her background is music profession.

aaken:

Do you have to take it so literally?

Xiao:

No....not literally. In real life, there are few thing which are really connected to music in my world

aaken:

But what does music represent to you, maybe that's more relevant to approach it that way…

It's what it is in you. I don't think she was representing someone else....

Xiao:

Well...what's music for me, only I know.... hehe...

aaken:

What part of you does it represent?

Ha ha, I don't ask you to tell me! I'm only raising the question.

Xiao:

I don't want to reveal that when I'm really awake.

But I fully expressed it in the dream.

aaken:

I see

Xiao dit :

To sum it up, this dream shows parts of my impressions about our previous conversations

Sometimes it's not like a normal conversation, it’s ZEN.

You know Zen?

aaken:

Yes

Xiao:

What I asked her was not the most important, what she reacted likewise

I'm not really acquainted with her. She's a symbol to me.

aaken:

This is a bit what I am to you

Xiao:

Yes

[...]

An illegal alien

I’m illegal in Taiwan now. My excitement at being official in Taiwan was short lived. Lian-Yen couldn’t get the papers in time - more accurate to say that he dragged and dragged until the last minute and on the very last day, he woke up and we rushed to the ministry of immigration and spent the whole morning there. The lady told us that I was one day beyond the visa expiration date!!! Damn, I could have slapped that sheepish face of his when we heard that.
The more I spend time with the members of the Auntie team, the less I trust them!

Buying a last minute ticket to Hong Kong was discarded as a foolish idea. Even for one day, I would still have to pay a fine anyway and as a penalty, I will not be able to enter Taiwan freely for a whole year.

Brothers

June 27^th is the deadline for my visa in Taiwan. But…. I have applied for a one year visa permit and have got!!! I’m now more official on the Taiwanese territory. That means a lot to me, the first I’m ever asking for a working permit in any country.

The weather is extremely hot and humid. A typhoon was supposed to hit Taiwan this week but diverted to Hong-Kong. It hope it has not caused too much damage. It’s fortunate that I spend the day in the music cave, ie. the recording studio, so I don’t have to bear this heat. In spite of my roots, I find icy cold weather easier to bear. I like to claim myself to be Scandinavian… although this extended time underground makes me look more like a zombie than a human being now. I guess my main activity when I come back to France will be to sleep and do nothing.

I have received an e-reminder from my sister-in-law-to-be for the first leg of their marriage summer tour, the civil ceremony at the city hall, that is. I will not be able to attend that nor will I be there for the bachelor party my brother’s long time friends are plotting for him. I may sound like an anti-social hermit when I confess absolutely no regret to included out of these pre-wedding games. My brother's friends have a more intimate history with my brother than I do anyway. I had a dream with my brother though. I was visiting him in his flat before he’d move out. We didn’t say much, except occasional jokes about foolish things. We were just happy to be together. I suddenly remembered the time when we were children and playing together. Those were our most precious times. Outside of school, away from the parents incessantly arguing about the war in Vietnam or the family back there. We had our own world and our games were our refuge. As we grew up, our paths separated. He had other friends and other games, I was spending more and more time in my own world. And maybe I refused the changes that brought my brother away. For now my games were solitary ones. Reading, music, dreaming, writing… I was felt guilty to betray the child I could no longer remain, in my eyes, in my parents’ eyes. I no longer knew how to be a brother. I was busy surviving. Even after years and decades, I still sense this tie  between us. It’s maybe less palpable and less immediate, but it has reappeared more strongly in the recent years, I guess, when I started to come out of my shell, and be who I am. Is he who he is? I will not try to analyse that. But I know that it will  be my best way to be a brother to him. To be me, whatever I am, and shine a little light he can see wherever we are, however distant from each other. As I would rest his head on my lap when his was sleeping in the car on our long ride home, when our parents were having the same violent and incomprehensible arguments about the war and politics; that was my little boy way to give him shelter. He was three, I was five. Did I hear his call in this dream last night? There was no one else but us. In the end, I had to leave, and the hallway to the door kindly extended itself so I could spend a little more time with him.

In this work frenzy, I have managed to compose the other movement of the wedding mass that I have named Missa Matriminoca.
I still struggle to find the right text, but I’ll send the score to Isabelle, Julia, Ulysses, Jan and Christophe. I hope three weeks is not too short for them to learn the music.

[…]

Two more weeks and I start to see people again. Lian-Yen has introduce me to Tree, a journalist friend of his who currently lives in Beijing. He’s just released a book about music, that reads like his personal interpretation of pop music genealogy. One week in Taiwan to promote it and he was flying back. We had been chatting on msn, but time passed by before I realised it. So when Lian-Yen said he would see him for a late night meal, I immediately joined in. Tree is of this rare breed of persons who are truly passionate about music without verging on the psycho-maniac, obsessive side. What a shame I cannot read a single word, but I enjoy the book all the same.
It reminds me of Studio Voice a very good Japanese magazine that is fashioned in the same way. It’s a pity he’s living so far away.

Work work work

Work, work, work and work.
I had half of an afternoon last Sunday that I could consider as 'free' time, so I went to the gym to get away from any sort of thinking. The nights before were sleepless ones, for I had to score the string quartet parts and compose a movement for the quartet and the piano which would set the tone for mother and father’s first reunion. The piano starts, very calmly - and very Schumann-like and is then joined by the cello who builds the bridge to the string quartet part. They repeat a fragment of the theme and then the piano leads to a pizzicato moment, which shall describe the tentative attempts of the couple to recognize the missed past in each other. The first theme is briefly evoked again before they engage in a more passionate and violent section, with the mother’s theme of death hovering a twisted tango. I have never properly written for a string quartet before, and even if this piece can be considered as a sketch for more to come, I feel like a proud little boy who’s completed a very hard quiz. Writing down the music in the old fashioned way, with paper and pen is no longer seen as a arduous task. It is still a long route, but it’s a good training for my inner ear.

Now all the music is completed. I need one final session to record the electric guitars and bass for the last song, and then it will come the next crucial step: the singers, who, in the most of the case are untrained singers. The girls have nice voices, but they’re better actresses than singers. Lian-Yen and Yu-Guo overlooked or were not fully aware of that aspect of the work when they did the casting. They paid attention to the look and the acting skill, but seemed oblivious that it takes more than just having a nice little voice to perform and music and record it in the studio. But it’s a musical, isn’t it? Not a theatre okay… Pygmalion time for me in the next two weeks. Hopefully, they will show some vocal flexibility so I can get the closest to what I envisioned. For me now, they’re young trees in an orchard that need a few more years before reaching their full size.

With Pan Lili

The whole Auntie team

ChingYao coaching Jasmine Wei Wei