I regularly go to the BaoAn temple to talk to the gods. Today, as I was stepping out of the bus which drove me home from Jienn Chiang's brother's restaurant in ShiLin, I inexplicably felt a force compelled me to pay them a visit. It was right in the middle of the afternoon, the sun was blazing so not many people were found walking on the street.
I was already hearing voices talking to me as I made my way to the temple.
Once inside, I took an incense stick and went straight to the altar. There are many gods and divinities, but I usually go to two or three of them. I stood there for a moment. The tone was solemn but not heavy. The god told me that it was now time to take total responsibility of my life. It will be coming very quickly, but I had to be careful not to indulge in self pity and doubt.
"Because there is no doubt in the universe. Things are what they are. There is no doubt concerning their very existence. Only your perception of it will create this decrepancy inside of you. It's now up to you to fully be embrace your life."
I felt like a warrior summoned by the king to be sent to his ultimate mission. I do feel my life is like some sort of mission. I don't want to do anything for myself. My aim is to lay the foundation for the future generations. Thoughts, path of life, awareness of what surrounds us.
I was told - once again, that I didn't have more than four years left. But that everything I want to do will be completed. My parents will survive me. My mother will forget me. My father will drown in grief. I can only see it now. His last work was entitled The lonely steps of a traveller. My mother's condition is stable, apparently, according to my father's last letter. The doctors can only take care of the physiologic aspect of her illness. Any change of behaviour is beyond their control. It is indeed, for I have always believed that my mother's Alzheimer disease was a choice, albeit an unconscious one. Whatever I or anyone may try to do will have no effect if she has decided that it was the way she saw her life. I do not wish to see my father so unhappy.
All these thoughts were whirling in my mind as the god was talking to me.
"But for now, there are here, and you are here. Just be, in the now" the god went on.
He also mentioned William.
William finds himself at an important crossroad in his life and he understands that. But he's lost too, because what is at stake is enormous for him. So it is my responsibility, if I love him - and I do, to be by his side. He will need me more than he realises. But William will be my companion through these coming years.
The bond that connects us is different than it was a few months ago.