Monday 10 June 2013

Love etc...

It had been two months. William has just come back from a trip to Japan a few days ago and expressed the wish to see me. I had been resisting the idea for as long as I could. Two months isn't long. 
"I want to be with you" he simply stated.
"Be with me... To do what?" I thought. Have a walk under the moonlight along the river as we used to when we started courting each other? Have dinner? Have a drink? Have sex? The latter was out of the question. I had learned my lesson.
I tried to keep my distance emotionally, as we exchanged online messages, though I was fully aware that it was a pitiful way to protect myself from the devastating feeling of love consuming. There wasn't much I could do against it. Only time could soothe me. Of course, I was indeed perfectly able to live without seeing him, however the past couple of months had not seen me at my most glorious. So why not yield and just accept right away, joyfully run to him instead of playing this bad TV drama game?
We agreed to meet up for dinner on the following Sunday. 
I was to spend the afternoon at the Empress Lounge (now the Edge Gallery) so I suggested him to come and meet me there. Frederic had just taken me to a fairly acceptable Vietnamese restaurant near by. I intended to bring William there. In my mind, other stories were running - wild. 
William showed up at the Empress Lounge after his day at work. He was smartly dressed, always so handsome, with this remote and shy air about him. I remained courteous and polite and served him a drink. We were preparing dinner so I suggested that we ate there and went for a drink afterward. It amused William to see me in this different environment. I was afraid he may pull back and not want to see me with other people, as often the case. But he seemed at ease and dinner flowed by in a perfectly light way.
Frederic and his assistant Wayne knew what was going and had behaved in the friendliest manner. I was grateful that they did.
I suggested to go to the Spot Café at the Huanshan Culture Park. It was already nearly 10 pm. Sunday evening meant not too many people out because of what they call 'blue Monday'.
Spot Café was nearly deserted. We took a table in the centre of the room. Unidentified alternative rock music was loudly invading the whole place.
We didn't say much. William asked a few questions about the state of my work. He gave long concerned stares at me. I couldn't look back. I had so many questions boiling inside.
"So how has your life been these past two months" I finally asked.
"The same thing." he replied.
I let the answer sink in. My understanding of "the same thing" was that he had decided to stick to the security of his life. What did I expect? We kept on with our mundane conversation. Another conversation was taking place on another silent level. No word was needed for it. It was all too clear for both of us.
I wanted to ask him whether his 'open relationship' status involved other lovers as well. I didn't ask.
We had a walk around Huashan, our body brushing against each other. I sensed that he wanted to let his hand stay longer on me, but we played the game of innocent pretense.
The air was cooler. A little wind was blowing. Some people were jogging.
"I really enjoy what they have done to this area. I had come here a couple of years ago and it was completely abandonned. Now it's coming alive again. I hope they plant more trees. Taipei needs it."
A was exasperated at myself. What was I doing? It was our first date after the separation and all I could find to say was that?
William drove me back on his scooter. The inevitable physical proximity was a good excuse to draw us closer to each other. He timidly put his hand on mine. The little gesture was telling me everything. What really mattered was that we had this love for one another. I squeezed his hand. Not a word was exchanged during the whole ride, but everything was said.

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