Friday, 10 July 2009

Petites scènes de famille

I have decided to give up this piece for two violins. I am absolutely not inspired. I have only managed to sketch a few bars but nothing has come and the whole thing has become more of a burden than anything.
I feel even better now that I have let go of this task.
The enthusiasm I had at the start died down so quickly. It felt like buying a delicious looking pastry and finding out that it had no taste at all. 


I have been blessed with a strong sense of family. I respect and try to honour my parents as much as I can, in spite of my obvious flaws. Our family having the history that we have, it’s a heavy weight to carry on my shoulder. Typically Asian, some of my Western friends might remark.
Durkheim however said so wisely there are three things one has to liberate himself from: religion, country and family. The last one is the most difficult. The larger the family, the trickier the web.
What can I do when I try to stay in the light and around me, the people I love cling to their negativity and threaten to drag me down? It’s like trying to keep a candle lighted while winds are blowing from all direction.
Visiting my parents can be formidable moments of peace frozen in time, like this sunny Sunday we spent a couple of weeks ago. We were just the three of us, eating in the garden, enjoying the sundown and each other’s company. Perfection doesn’t require much. We were simply happy to be there. A beautiful moment I shall remember for a long time.
Lunch today on the contrary turned into drama. As time drifts by, my mother appears to be less and less able to control her emotions and her fears. She blames it on her heart, but I believe it’s all the repressed anger and fears she’s locked inside for so many years. When she’s gone to far in her anticipation of fear, hurtful things are said that she doesn’t even mean.
What child doesn’t wish to make his parents happy? I wish there was a way I could bring mine some comfort and joy. The more I try, the more illusory the task seems to be. And that saddens me deeply. In spite of the love I have for them, I am powerless. The only thing I can do is to live my life and live it happily. That may be the only true gift I can make to them.
Nevertheless, I’m still shaken by all this.
It’s time.

With my parents - Photo by Mathieu Thoisy

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