Xiao:
Hello, are you all fine?
aaken:
I should learn how to clone myself
Xiao:
What do you mean?
aaken:
I have so much to do, I should have doubles
Xiao:
Are you depressed?
Anyway, take good care of yourself, I believe you will do well.
aaken:
Depressed? Why?
No, but there's just so much to do and I'm pushing myself a bit too far at the moment/
Xiao:
Make sure you're pushing yourself to enjoy, but not suffer.
Then I can take it as a moaning of happiness!
aaken:
I'm fine. Some days are more difficult to get through than others.
But as I said, making music brings me so much joy, that the rest doesn't really matter.
Xiao:
Ok. Good.
aaken:
I'm illegal in Taiwan now
Xiao:
Anyway, you'll fly away soon
aaken:
I know
I dread the post ‘baby’ blue a little, I must admit.... But I won't think more about it
Xiao:
As every child finally coming into this world, no wonder.
aaken:
Yes. Listening to the music that I have written also brings me lots of satisfaction.
I'm happy about it
So what have you been doing the past week? We haven't spoken much
Xiao:
Nothing else than crazy working, which is both comforting and distressing
aaken:
Not distressing…
Xiao:
Yes, it is
aaken:
Why?
aaken:
Because we feel we're missing something else?
Xiao:
What do u mean?
Oh… Maybe.
It puts a lot of pressure
Sometimes I don't know why I have to be that diligent and responsible.
aaken:
Your work is different.
I don't mind having to be responsible
Xiao:
I'm devoting my energy and time and patience and vigour into it.....
aaken:
Power comes with lots of responsibilities
Xiao:
I have complicated feeling about this business.
On one hand, I have to do it, to make a living, also find fun and interest and a sense of success sometime.
On the other hand, most of my life time has been spent on it, but it never really belongs to me.
I don't like to see myself pouring energy into something which will finally fade away from me. And the reality is: I can't help doing that again and again… At least for now.
aaken:
I understand
Xiao:
I dreamed of an old lady, a famous music conductor in China.
aaken:
And?
Xiao:
She drove for me home, I was so tired that I nearly fell asleep on the back seat
I woke up when she stopped the car at the destination.
I felt so ashamed and guilty, coz she's 80 years old!
I thought she must be very tired too. And I asked her come back soon.
aaken:
Psychologists say that it's only us in a dream.
So what shall it mean? Who is this lady in you?
Xiao:
But she seemed to smile despite all that.
aaken:
You know why you're doing what you’re doing.
Xiao:
It seems she didn't care much about my concern. Then I started to say something to her.
I said I wanted to be a musician, finally, in order to show that miraculous world I have been to.... and a lot of that kind of feelings.
aaken:
Did she react to that?
Xiao:
But a bit surprisingly, she just listened and said no encouraging words.
She seemed to be falling into some state of ecstasy or meditation
I didn't know what was going on, she was just like a wall in front of me, listening to me quietly, no objection, no smile... just looking very serious.
aaken:
How did you react to her, then?
Xiao:
The same as before. I was a bit excited to express my ideal about this music kingdom in front of her, feeling crystal clear in my mind.
aaken:
Then how did you feel afterwards?
Xiao:
I simply took her as a trustworthy person to tell, regardless how she would react... I knew she would not be annoyed by me.
I felt calm, but there was no revelation.
aaken:
In this dream, it’s two sides of yourself
Xiao:
The picture is like this: she's like a lake, and I'm like a melody.
aaken:
Oh you saw it that way? I interpreted it as one being beyond life (because she's lived it and is wise) and the other sleeping and dreaming....
Xiao:
No...I had woken up from my sleep and my tiredness
She drove for me.
I was like a devoted disciple.
In fact, I only saw her once in my life when I was in Xia'men City.
aaken:
I always see dreams as a little sign that our subconscious is sending us
They usually help me understand things about a given situation. Or how to balance a situation, or a state of being.
Xiao:
Well.....I think I know what she is in reality now.
She is part of you
Very likely
aaken:
Is she?
Why? How?
Xiao:
Well....of course she doesn't fully represent you
You see, her background is music profession.
aaken:
Do you have to take it so literally?
Xiao:
No....not literally. In real life, there are few thing which are really connected to music in my world
aaken:
But what does music represent to you, maybe that's more relevant to approach it that way…
It's what it is in you. I don't think she was representing someone else....
Xiao:
Well...what's music for me, only I know.... hehe...
aaken:
What part of you does it represent?
Ha ha, I don't ask you to tell me! I'm only raising the question.
Xiao:
I don't want to reveal that when I'm really awake.
But I fully expressed it in the dream.
aaken:
I see
Xiao dit :
To sum it up, this dream shows parts of my impressions about our previous conversations
Sometimes it's not like a normal conversation, it’s ZEN.
You know Zen?
aaken:
Yes
Xiao:
What I asked her was not the most important, what she reacted likewise
I'm not really acquainted with her. She's a symbol to me.
aaken:
This is a bit what I am to you
Xiao:
Yes
[...]
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