Conversation with Xiao III

Xiao:

Hello, are you all fine?

aaken:

I should learn how to clone myself

Xiao:

What do you mean?

aaken:

I have so much to do, I should have doubles

Xiao:

Are you depressed?

Anyway, take good care of yourself, I believe you will do well.

aaken:

Depressed? Why?

No, but there's just so much to do and I'm pushing myself a bit too far at the moment/

Xiao:

Make sure you're pushing yourself to enjoy, but not suffer.

Then I can take it as a moaning of happiness!

aaken:

I'm fine. Some days are more difficult to get through than others.

But as I said, making music brings me so much joy, that the rest doesn't really matter.

Xiao:

Ok. Good.

aaken:

I'm illegal in Taiwan now

Xiao:

Anyway, you'll fly away soon

aaken:

I know

I dread the post ‘baby’ blue a little, I must admit.... But I won't think more about it

Xiao:

As every child finally coming into this world, no wonder.

aaken:

Yes. Listening to the music that I have written also brings me lots of satisfaction.

I'm happy about it

So what have you been doing the past week? We haven't spoken much

Xiao:

Nothing else than crazy working, which is both comforting and distressing

aaken:

Not distressing…

Xiao:

Yes, it is

aaken:

Why?

aaken:

Because we feel we're missing something else?

Xiao:

What do u mean?

Oh… Maybe.

It puts a lot of pressure

Sometimes I don't know why I have to be that diligent and responsible.

aaken:

Your work is different.

I don't mind having to be responsible

Xiao:

I'm devoting my energy and time and patience and vigour into it.....

aaken:

Power comes with lots of responsibilities

Xiao:

I have complicated feeling about this business.

On one hand, I have to do it, to make a living, also find fun and interest and a sense of success sometime.

On the other hand, most of my life time has been spent on it, but it never really belongs to me.

I don't like to see myself pouring energy into something which will finally fade away from me. And the reality is: I can't help doing that again and again… At least for now.

aaken:

I understand

Xiao:

I dreamed of an old lady, a famous music conductor in China.

aaken:

And?

Xiao:

She drove for me home, I was so tired that I nearly fell asleep on the back seat

I woke up when she stopped the car at the destination.

I felt so ashamed and guilty, coz she's 80 years old!

I thought she must be very tired too. And I asked her come back soon.

aaken:

Psychologists say that it's only us in a dream.

So what shall it mean? Who is this lady in you?

Xiao:

But she seemed to smile despite all that.

aaken:

You know why you're doing what you’re doing.

Xiao:

It seems she didn't care much about my concern. Then I started to say something to her.

I said I wanted to be a musician, finally, in order to show that miraculous world I have been to.... and a lot of that kind of feelings.

aaken:

Did she react to that?

Xiao:

But a bit surprisingly, she just listened and said no encouraging words.

She seemed to be falling into some state of ecstasy or meditation

I didn't know what was going on, she was just like a wall in front of me, listening to me quietly, no objection, no smile... just looking very serious.

aaken:

How did you react to her, then?

Xiao:

The same as before. I was a bit excited to express my ideal about this music kingdom in front of her, feeling crystal clear in my mind.

aaken:

Then how did you feel afterwards?

Xiao:

I simply took her as a trustworthy person to tell, regardless how she would react... I knew she would not be annoyed by me.

I felt calm, but there was no revelation.

aaken:

In this dream, it’s two sides of yourself

Xiao:

The picture is like this: she's like a lake, and I'm like a melody.

aaken:

Oh you saw it that way? I interpreted it as one being beyond life (because she's lived it and is wise) and the other sleeping and dreaming....

Xiao:

No...I had woken up from my sleep and my tiredness

She drove for me.

I was like a devoted disciple.

In fact, I only saw her once in my life when I was in Xia'men City.

aaken:

I always see dreams as a little sign that our subconscious is sending us

They usually help me understand things about a given situation. Or how to balance a situation, or a state of being.

Xiao:

Well.....I think I know what she is in reality now.

She is part of you

Very likely

aaken:

Is she?

Why? How?

Xiao:

Well....of course she doesn't fully represent you

You see, her background is music profession.

aaken:

Do you have to take it so literally?

Xiao:

No....not literally. In real life, there are few thing which are really connected to music in my world

aaken:

But what does music represent to you, maybe that's more relevant to approach it that way…

It's what it is in you. I don't think she was representing someone else....

Xiao:

Well...what's music for me, only I know.... hehe...

aaken:

What part of you does it represent?

Ha ha, I don't ask you to tell me! I'm only raising the question.

Xiao:

I don't want to reveal that when I'm really awake.

But I fully expressed it in the dream.

aaken:

I see

Xiao dit :

To sum it up, this dream shows parts of my impressions about our previous conversations

Sometimes it's not like a normal conversation, it’s ZEN.

You know Zen?

aaken:

Yes

Xiao:

What I asked her was not the most important, what she reacted likewise

I'm not really acquainted with her. She's a symbol to me.

aaken:

This is a bit what I am to you

Xiao:

Yes

[...]

An illegal alien

I’m illegal in Taiwan now. My excitement at being official in Taiwan was short lived. Lian-Yen couldn’t get the papers in time - more accurate to say that he dragged and dragged until the last minute and on the very last day, he woke up and we rushed to the ministry of immigration and spent the whole morning there. The lady told us that I was one day beyond the visa expiration date!!! Damn, I could have slapped that sheepish face of his when we heard that.
The more I spend time with the members of the Auntie team, the less I trust them!

Buying a last minute ticket to Hong Kong was discarded as a foolish idea. Even for one day, I would still have to pay a fine anyway and as a penalty, I will not be able to enter Taiwan freely for a whole year.

Brothers

June 27^th is the deadline for my visa in Taiwan. But…. I have applied for a one year visa permit and have got!!! I’m now more official on the Taiwanese territory. That means a lot to me, the first I’m ever asking for a working permit in any country.

The weather is extremely hot and humid. A typhoon was supposed to hit Taiwan this week but diverted to Hong-Kong. It hope it has not caused too much damage. It’s fortunate that I spend the day in the music cave, ie. the recording studio, so I don’t have to bear this heat. In spite of my roots, I find icy cold weather easier to bear. I like to claim myself to be Scandinavian… although this extended time underground makes me look more like a zombie than a human being now. I guess my main activity when I come back to France will be to sleep and do nothing.

I have received an e-reminder from my sister-in-law-to-be for the first leg of their marriage summer tour, the civil ceremony at the city hall, that is. I will not be able to attend that nor will I be there for the bachelor party my brother’s long time friends are plotting for him. I may sound like an anti-social hermit when I confess absolutely no regret to included out of these pre-wedding games. My brother's friends have a more intimate history with my brother than I do anyway. I had a dream with my brother though. I was visiting him in his flat before he’d move out. We didn’t say much, except occasional jokes about foolish things. We were just happy to be together. I suddenly remembered the time when we were children and playing together. Those were our most precious times. Outside of school, away from the parents incessantly arguing about the war in Vietnam or the family back there. We had our own world and our games were our refuge. As we grew up, our paths separated. He had other friends and other games, I was spending more and more time in my own world. And maybe I refused the changes that brought my brother away. For now my games were solitary ones. Reading, music, dreaming, writing… I was felt guilty to betray the child I could no longer remain, in my eyes, in my parents’ eyes. I no longer knew how to be a brother. I was busy surviving. Even after years and decades, I still sense this tie  between us. It’s maybe less palpable and less immediate, but it has reappeared more strongly in the recent years, I guess, when I started to come out of my shell, and be who I am. Is he who he is? I will not try to analyse that. But I know that it will  be my best way to be a brother to him. To be me, whatever I am, and shine a little light he can see wherever we are, however distant from each other. As I would rest his head on my lap when his was sleeping in the car on our long ride home, when our parents were having the same violent and incomprehensible arguments about the war and politics; that was my little boy way to give him shelter. He was three, I was five. Did I hear his call in this dream last night? There was no one else but us. In the end, I had to leave, and the hallway to the door kindly extended itself so I could spend a little more time with him.

In this work frenzy, I have managed to compose the other movement of the wedding mass that I have named Missa Matriminoca.
I still struggle to find the right text, but I’ll send the score to Isabelle, Julia, Ulysses, Jan and Christophe. I hope three weeks is not too short for them to learn the music.

[…]

Two more weeks and I start to see people again. Lian-Yen has introduce me to Tree, a journalist friend of his who currently lives in Beijing. He’s just released a book about music, that reads like his personal interpretation of pop music genealogy. One week in Taiwan to promote it and he was flying back. We had been chatting on msn, but time passed by before I realised it. So when Lian-Yen said he would see him for a late night meal, I immediately joined in. Tree is of this rare breed of persons who are truly passionate about music without verging on the psycho-maniac, obsessive side. What a shame I cannot read a single word, but I enjoy the book all the same.
It reminds me of Studio Voice a very good Japanese magazine that is fashioned in the same way. It’s a pity he’s living so far away.

Work work work

Work, work, work and work.
I had half of an afternoon last Sunday that I could consider as 'free' time, so I went to the gym to get away from any sort of thinking. The nights before were sleepless ones, for I had to score the string quartet parts and compose a movement for the quartet and the piano which would set the tone for mother and father’s first reunion. The piano starts, very calmly - and very Schumann-like and is then joined by the cello who builds the bridge to the string quartet part. They repeat a fragment of the theme and then the piano leads to a pizzicato moment, which shall describe the tentative attempts of the couple to recognize the missed past in each other. The first theme is briefly evoked again before they engage in a more passionate and violent section, with the mother’s theme of death hovering a twisted tango. I have never properly written for a string quartet before, and even if this piece can be considered as a sketch for more to come, I feel like a proud little boy who’s completed a very hard quiz. Writing down the music in the old fashioned way, with paper and pen is no longer seen as a arduous task. It is still a long route, but it’s a good training for my inner ear.

Now all the music is completed. I need one final session to record the electric guitars and bass for the last song, and then it will come the next crucial step: the singers, who, in the most of the case are untrained singers. The girls have nice voices, but they’re better actresses than singers. Lian-Yen and Yu-Guo overlooked or were not fully aware of that aspect of the work when they did the casting. They paid attention to the look and the acting skill, but seemed oblivious that it takes more than just having a nice little voice to perform and music and record it in the studio. But it’s a musical, isn’t it? Not a theatre okay… Pygmalion time for me in the next two weeks. Hopefully, they will show some vocal flexibility so I can get the closest to what I envisioned. For me now, they’re young trees in an orchard that need a few more years before reaching their full size.

With Pan Lili

The whole Auntie team

ChingYao coaching Jasmine Wei Wei

Asian bazaar

Less than three weeks left in Taipei. Oh how quickly it went! The more I age, the more I lose any sense of time. That’s what elderly people tell me. You don’t have the same view on time. Days may still be days, but they feel like seconds, with no time to claim their happening before they‘re swept away by another day. They can find more space in my memory, where there is not time line, and no time limit. A whole month can be seized within a second. 

On my side, everything will be finished next week. The last song has yet to be recorded, but it’s not going to take long - well I wish. I have one final session with the string quartet tomorrow. Hopefully they will be competent enough to play well all that I need from them, in the tight dot of a time they have given me. They’re cute girls but play like well trained robots. All the notes are there, but the emotion has gone somewhere round the maze.

ChingYao experienced a similar situation for his recital a couple of days ago. He had a whole evening at the National Concert Hall. A program of art songs and opera arias. It all would have been perfect for him to enchant us with his wonderful voice, were he accompanied by anyone else but that pianist who was assigned the task. It would have been fine if only she merely played the note, but I guess she was feeling more nervous than ChingYao himself. In Schumann’s cycle Dichterliebe, for example, she rushed through each song as if she was chased by bees. Poor ChingYao told me he had the feeling to be a in a washing machine. Hardly any time to pronounce the  words, much less catch his breath.

In some sort of ironic strike, I won’t be able to attend the Golden Melody Awards, because I have been ill-informed about the time and date - not the first time it happens though. So I will be at the studio with my string girls as they congratulate each other on stage.
As a consolation, my friend Eric, who is working for the promotion of artists like Wang LeeHom has invited me to attend another evening of the Golden Melody Awards, this time for pop artists. That shouold be in two weeks. It may be more fun actually. However I would have loved to see how Pan Lili performs her two songs from Auntie.

[…]

I’m trying to pen down the string section of the Buddha goes to Bollywood for tomorrow‘s session while an actor is rehearsing his part for Ciao, Ci Chao in the next room. Bollywood rhythms and Chinese opera style singing make a very odd blend in my head… I can’t say what he sings is my favourite type of music. It’s bearable, if not enjoyable when it’s a woman singing I have seen a few Beijing opera plays. In the case of Ciao, Ci Chao, the vocals, interestingly are set against a westernized music, played by piano, bandoneon and violin, and the actor, I must say sounds more like a cat in pain. Because of the vocal mannerisms behind this tight nasal falsetto?  Or do I need more getting used to?  Maybe the latter. Since the actor is replacing the actress who‘s now in Beijing and can‘t make it for the ceremony, he’s got to cope with the original key regardless of the range… Now he’s practicing his make up. It’s really fascinating to watch how, layer after layer, the character slowly emerges.

Buddha number is finished at last, now complete with taigu drums and shamisen (thank you Anmitsu girls!) and really sounds like a feast at an Asian bazaar in a Maria Montez film! I hope the purists will forgive me for my musical irreverence!

A whole day at home with no appointment and rehearsal is what I needed. Even if I had to work, I’m glad I didn’t have to endure this daily mrt/taxi/bus routine for today. And since I just learned from my bank that I have no money at all, it’s preferable not to be tempted. One can spend very little, if the only expenditure is for food. There are many street stalls selling delicious food for next to nothing. That’s how I shall end my stay here. The focus is tightening down solely on the music. My life is very ascetic at the moment and I resisted the distressing idea of only working on the music, especially when I hear my friends saying that I work too much. Now I realise that this desire to be amused and entertained, shop and spend money may be relevant for people who lead a boring or stressful life. But why should I feel bad if I only make music? Of course, it’s a bit draining at time and a change of mind is necessary. The contentment that fills me when I’m making music is beyond comparison. And poor as I may be, I will always be able to do that. 

The price to pay

Monday, nearly five o’clock in the morning. I don’t find sleep. The pleasure and elation I get from my work can only thinly veil the paradox and state of imbalance my life has to reach so they can exist. Am I running from myself or do I really find true joy in creation? On a day - or night like this, doubt is permissible, takes full power and roots itself in my mind. Full moon is nigh, confusion is spreading. And a sense of sadness too. That all this is ephemeral. Friendship, love. I have been reminded of that again. We may know it as well as we know that the day has to yield to the night. Yet it still hurts to realise that all these words of support and encouragement finally poorly disguise other motives. I do not blame anyone to have other motives, maybe I blame myself to play the fool so willingly. Now the day is breaking, the birds are starting their morning concert, unaware of sorrow or joy. They just are. Another day will pass by. New thoughts or recycled thoughts will replace the old ones.

Indeed, music is the only place where I can sense life in all its glory. I travel the globe, I walk many paths and many roads, but eventually always come back to this place. It’s a divine place, but the price to pay is high. How did Beethoven, Mozart, Chet Baker, or Edith Piaf live that? We know about their lives, but it’s scary for me to admit it. The wise masters say that our own reality is only made of what we put it in. How can I add happier ingredients?

Auntie nearly finished!

The master at the temple in Hong Kong told me that things would only start to unfold for me around summer, but before that, it would be lots of hard work. And this is precisely what is happening.

The score for Auntie is nearly finished! I still have a few interludes to patch the whole thing together.  The songs are all done, the last three ones were penned yesterday, at one in the morning, while I was taking the MRT back home. I was half dozing when I suddenly woke up as a new song was playing on my i-Pod. I could as well say that someone patted my shoulders and whispered something in my ears, for I immediately grabbed a blank music sheet and hastily scribbled down the notes.

I was at the studio the same afternoon with Jasmine, to see about her vocal range before writing her song. We had lots of fun, especially when I made her try her lines for the Buddha goes to Bollywood number. If there are any religious fanatics in Taiwan, I may be their next target, unless they have a very good sense of humour. As the character of Auntie is a transvestite performer the music she sings intermingles disparate elements  a sort of mish-mash of everything, like going to a big oriental bazaar. So for her number about Buddha, I don’t really think that the accurate treatment should be a solemn chanting, complete with bells.

I also decided that I will not end the play with a big up-tempo finale, and stick to the original idea I had: the mother is alone; she has killed her husband; her two sons have shattered her dream of having a grandchild and deserted her, the father - or is a figment of her mad imagination, gives birth to a baby; she lulls the baby to sleep and has completely lost her mind, in the background someone climbs up the stairs is about to start singing, another Auntie? The strings play mother’s Hope Theme one last time. Curtains. The end. It will not be the most uplifting ending and I hesitated for a long time. But that’s where the play goes naturally. And it’s no wonder that  something in me resisted and prevented me from starting to compose the dance finale. That may an idea for my future concert!

[…]

I may not be able to attend the premiere of Auntie, but there seems to be nice compensations coming along. I’ve had an interview the other day for PAR magazine, Taiwan’s sole performing art monthly. The photographer came yesterday to make a few shots as I was working with Jasmine. The studio room is quite small, but one of the pictures he showed me made me look like I was playing in a concert hall… The paper shall be published next month. 

The company has been nominated in three categories for their last play, Ciao Ci Chao, at the Golden Melody Awards so Pan Lili will be singing her songs from Auntie and I will be introduced as the composer. I thought at first it was some minor awards, until a friend told me it was actually the Taiwanese equivalent of the Grammy. Whatever that is, it will be a nice opportunity to get out and meet people. A press conference will also take place three days afterwards and we’re supposed to perform 30 minutes of the show. I will be happy to step on the stage again and play music. I miss that so much.

Conversation with Xiao

Xiao:

Bonjour rabbit

The rain has stopped and air is so fresh.....I hope you had a good sleep and are well prepared for today

Aaken:

yes, Thanks

A very good sleep, and I have been working already, coaching a singer for one song - I mean, a dancer, not a singer - so that's why he needed some coaching

How are you?

Xiao:

hahhahahhah....Interesting

I had a nice sleep... but my brother's doggie disturbed it, so I have to get up earlier

Aaken:

Oh....

Xiao:

However... However.... it's still a good time for me

Aaken:

Good, then, you sound lighthearted

Xiao:

Just had lunch... mum cooked for us......

Aaken:

It's good to hear that.

It's infectious

Xiao:

Then i'll try to be even more delightful

Now  they're listening to your songs....

Aaken:

Who? They? What, when, whom, where ?

Xiao:

I forwarded your hello to them. Now you see? 

My family lah!!!

Aaken:

Yes, I see…

That's more than a hello!

Xiao:

Seems you added some new pieces of your work on myspace

Aaken:

Did I?

Aaken:

It's been a long time already

I added some of my stage works

Xiao:

Huh....You're more brilliant than I ever thought, hahahh

Aaken:

The remix of Radiohead and some songs I wrote for other singers

Xiao:

Coz I heard some different styles of work.... Yes, by some french singers

Aaken:

Yes. That was a long time ago. The songs were written around 1996-97!!!

Xiao:

Coooooooooooool.........stunning

Aaken:

Then some song covers and a song for Portuguese singer, Bévinda

Xiao:

Obviously the characteristics of your songs then were quite different

Aaken:

Well, her style was different, I had to adapt.

Xiao:

Yes...I never listened Bévinda's music

Aaken:

I hadn't found my style back then, yet, so I was experimenting

Xiao:

yes....I found the trace of imitation from that period of your song

      … experimenting? Precisely.....

Aaken:

In the songs for Michèle Atlani?

Xiao:

Oh.let me check the name

Aaken:

But that's old stuff. I also did some covers of songs by famous artists

Then two remixes for this Japanese singer, Megumi Satsu.

Xiao:

’Ah oh, ah oui’

Aaken:

yes, and ‘Je m'aime’

Xiao:

yes yes

Aaken:

Horrible songs in their original versions

Xiao:

Old style

I think I have a golden ear, even if I don't know the specific history

Aaken:

 Actually, those remixes were done this winter, but her songs were recorded in the 80's, so I had to find a bridge between then and now. And I must say I wasn't much inspired by the songs themselves. So I fooled around.

Xiao:

mmmm.....But you know I have very strong preference to some music.....and maybe never even give a try to other styles.

So.....there're many good or famous or well known ones yet to find

Fool around????oh....I like that!

I like this gaming spirit at work

Aaken:

Well if you go to her website, you can hear the originals. Then you'd understand

But I'm very happy about the Bévinda song

She's now a very good friend of mine

Xiao:

You said you had no friends

Aaken :

I haven't got many friends I can totally rely on. But I have many friends I love and with whom I share some good or less good times.

Xiao:

 I see

Aaken:

But as I wrote in my diary, quoting you, it's not a dreadful thing to recognize the reality of life.

Xiao:

Absolutely !

Today is a big day....

Today is the last day of my 33^rd year...... It's so dramatic....

Many coincidences

Aaken:

Birthday tomorrow????

Xiao:

I think I need to write an essay or story about it

Yup....but I don't care about the birthday.

Aaken:

You're a tiger, that's why we get along well

Xiao:

Come on, that's nothing

Okay....it's something for u...

Actually i don't like tiger

Aaken:

Gna gna gna

Xiao dit :

I don't believe in that...but.....I do fight with the dragon... my father!

Aaken:

Ha ha!!! I do fight with dragons too. I happen to have had many dragons in my life and it never went well with them.

Xiao:

And I love my mum best, she's a dog.

Aaken:

…while I get along very well with tigers and horses...

It's just an observation

Xiao:

My brother...now we're best friends...he's a rabbit

But yesterday I was annoyed by his feeding a dog at home

Aaken:

Oh.... ?

A young puppy?

Xiao:

I don't know its name...maybe…  Sheneri, or something which sounds like that.

I like puppies.....but I don't think it's good to feed them at home

Aaken:

I have no idea about that. I never had any pet.

Xiao:

I like all kinds of animals...and even got addicted to study rare and precious animals......but I think to love and respect them most is to let them live in their own environment.

To take them as pets is a very selfish behaviour, because they need animal's attachment...however those animals are very lonely while masters leave for work

Aaken:

But dogs are no longer wild animals

Xiao:

So I think if he cannot fully take care of the puppy, better not have it

In fact I like that puppy, and she (a female one) lets me touch her immediately....( well....she didn't let my parents at first!)

Aaken:

Ha ha!!

Xiao:

It's strange, uh?

I saw her for the first time yesterday

My brother told me, she didn't like ladies....ahahahahh

Aaken:

Ha ha

Xiao:

The puppy is pretty smart....at least as smart as you are.....

I still think, it’s no good to have a puppy so close to the bed room.

Aaken:

I really don't know

Xiao:

Nevermind...I just say.

Tomorrow is National Holiday..... Remembering Qu Yuan, a great poet, thousands of years ago...

Aaken:

Dragon Boat festival

Xiao:

He committed suicide that day.....yes!

Aaken:

Oh....

Xiao:

It is so interesting.....someone dies, someone lives

Xiao:

That year, he died, and I was "born", hahahah!

Aaken:

Yes, he gives turn

Xiao:

I told Nick a strange dream I had.

Aaken:

I was picking up a weak and sleeping tiger from outside, and put it on my couch....when I was awake from the sleep, I started to worry that the tiger would wake up and and attack me.

I see.
...

I don't tell Nick anything anymore

It’s dangerous!

Xiao:

But I found myself unable to move away from my bed.....so I hid my eyes under the quilt so not to see what the tiger would do.

Aaken:

And what did the tiger do?

The tiger is you, isn't it?

Xiao:

You are SMART!!!

And the tiger got up and approaches me with its paw

I was very nervous

When it put its paw on my shoulder....I woke up from the dream

I just told him the dream and gave my own explanation

It was about 3 weeks ago.

While i told you people were changed after the earthquake

Aaken:

Nothing can harm you in your dream

Xiao dit :

So it comes as the revival of the self.

I think the tiger means the revival of self-conscience

Aaken:

 …or the birth of your self

Tiger are wild animals, they are alive

Xiao:

…even if I was afraid of him. He would still find me

Aaken:

Don't people say 'live like a tiger’?

You may be afraid, but the tiger is you and will only become part of you eventually

Xiao:

I think i was a sleeping tigher

Aaken:

Yes, you were

Xiao:

Now I found out all the consequences, they happened one by one.

All about revival

...
God... It's really too dramatic a year!

To tell you something funny....Nick can never harm me, it is me always "QUENCHING" him. Hahaha!!!

Coz I seldom buy in him

I have no superstition about him

Aaken:

Yes, I understandd that, I, quenching his thirst

Xiao:

Whenever I look at a direction with confidence, I must go there, regardless of his words.

Aaken:

He needs people who are weakened, so he feels his power

Xiao:

I think so

Aaken:

But if you are strong, he tries to destroy you, or just leaves you

That's the usual behaviour of people who wants power

Xiao:

Then let him be

Aaken:

I do

I try to forget about him. It's hard because I loved him so much

Xiao:

It's a better way to leave him now

He must learn to grow in a more lonely way

Aaken:

Whatever…

In that case, everything happens for a reason. It's sad that it had to go that way. But it's like an abusive relationship.

He always breaks up with his friends

Xiao:

He always likes to say: “I wanna help you change your life”.....but never have I really had his courtesy...never...impossible.....no way!!!

Aaken:

He needs that to see the damages and then see 'oh they actually love me'

…

His courtesy, what do you mean?

Xiao:

Which means  he wants to see me live better

His good intention...

Well... He thinks it’s good, at least.

I never felt I needed that.

I appreciate his friendship, but not his guidance

Aaken:

You know, I have this thing with people who want to do good: they find a sense of themselves in doing so.

It's not for the good; it's the effect of the good they do.

All these people volunteering with Mother Theresa and thinking they are becoming something good

But it has to come with yourself first

I won't believe in any good from Nicolas if he doesn't treat himself that way as well, no matter his gift.

Xiao:

Unfortunately Nick likes to play God's role in other people's life.

Aaken:

I know

God stays up.

I told him that many time

Xiao:

Thus I think he's still a child...a naive child

Aaken:

He doesn't live in a physical world.

He wants to remain in his little divine bubble

Xiao:

And now.....he stopped talking with me again

Aaken:

And the funny thing is that when he sends me his dreadful mails, all the things he says about me are more relevant about him than me.

He doesn't want to because you are not saying amen to all that he says

I don't like people who are tyrans to their friends

Xiao:

He wants to, but never found any opportunity from me.

I'm not like you. I don't have to be very kind and lovely.

Aaken:

I know.

I know

I KNOW!!!

Xiao:

So I just told him: "You shut up!"

Then he listened.

Aaken:

lol

But he can also shut you down

Xiao:

He needs a tyran too!!!

See?

He called me shaovalism

Xiao:

shauvalism

hhahahah

hmmmmm.....by so far....he never can

Well....anyway....I will still watch on him while you're separated.

I willl extricate him out of his stupid ideas about this body builders joke.

That's extremely funny and childish.

Maybe he didn't let you know about that...so I will shut up for now.

Aaken:

I know he likes body builders.

He told me!

He wants his boyfriend to like that

Xiao:

And many other ridiculous things

Aaken:

He wants the other to be according to his own ideals, But cannot accept someone to be different

And that's what he criticized in me

Xiao:

yup....

and unfortunately you're not as tolerant as me

Aaken:

yes, and “I'm so stingy, I never keep my promises, I am vain, I have a double personality, I'm superficial, I'm whimsical, I don't respect people, and I'm too much in my own bubble…”

The kind of things he tells me

And that's just 10% of it

Xiao:

Almost the same he pointed out about me.

oh....different!

He merely said i am chauvalism and live my own world too much

Aaken:

oh one more thing: I'm too pretentious, I have too high an idea about myself, I always get mad when he says something to me.

Xiao:

I can see, he's quite honest with himself... that's what he really thinks

Aaken:

oh yes, he says that he is honest to me, because he never wants to be one of those who never dares to tell the truth… the thing being that he only tell the truth when he's angry

Xiao:

What I cannot understand is....if you see a person that low.....how come you still are in touch with him?

Aaken:

Indeed, why should he even bother to be my friend

Of course, I'm far from this ideal of a boyfriend; he would NEVER want me as a boyfriend!

I feel relieved!

He only recognizes my musical talent. But “I have no intuition; my understanding of the world is aboslutely wrong”

Well, you see, each time he sends me those e-mails, it's filled with that

The crowning of it all that was when he predicted my own death by suicide.

That was slightly too much for me …

Xiao:

He claims I am the perfect boyfriend....Should I feel honored or feel bad?

Aaken:

It's up to you

I am not of your element, I'm afraid!

Xiao:

While he said that… I really didn’t know how to react.

Afraid of hurting his fragile nerve.

Aaken:

For me, he was - or thought he was in love with you

I understand

Anyway, I really wish him all the best

I care for him a lot

But he's poison to me

Xiao:

Maybe you can also learn to see in yourself through him

He can be a mirror

Like I mentioned just now....what is the better way to treat with that kind of friend.

Actually, how to deal with a childish man.

Well...let's forget that

Aaken:

Accept him as it is

Xiao:

If you do have things to do, do it

Aaken:

      I can do that when I'm dealing with the person in real life

But somehow, when it's written matters, I get all the unleashed vibes right on my face, and it's hard to keep my cool.

Xiao:

I wish you can steal some moments from hard word, even 5 minutes, to walk out and take some fresh air.

Aaken:

I will eventually…

Go to the gym!

lol

Or have sex in the sauna

Or chase the wild goose

Xiao:

.....good job

Aaken:

I will surely take some time out

For now, I still have a LOT to write.

Xiao:

ah???? which means urgent?

Or pushing you?

heheh

Aaken:

But I'm happy about the new additional elements

The drums and the strings just kick ass!

Xiao:

hahah....I'm getting more and more popular now .....someone called me for tennis together just now

Aaken:

yeah good!

Xiao:

But I cannot

They're tennis friends in Beijing

Aaken:

oh.... too bad!

Xiao:

Not bad...it's new friend, he plays very well.....we plan to play together each week...........wow.......

I will have a high level partner to practice with.

Fantastic !

Aaken:

you're going away?

Xiao:

No. I say I will have good partner while I’m back in Beijing

Aaken:

ok

Xiao:

I think you will like playing it

Aaken:

Tennis?

If you re the teacher, then maybe.

But I have no level at all

Xiao:

Doesn't matter, as long as you have a healthy and fexible body, plus perseverance

Aaken:

Ha ha

Xiao:

Why haha???? hum

Level is not important....you can quickly move into it

Aaken:

Yes maybe

Xiao:

Where is your confidence, gentleman?

If you don't have any passion for it....you don't have to learn.

But if you have...I trust you can do it well

Aaken:

Passion for tennis...

I don't know

Xiao:

Imagine it!!!

Aaken:

I went through so many lessons when I was young, but was never really taught properly.

However, that may be different now

Xiao:

That's the key...so forget that past memory

When you forget the wrong old things, and replace them with brand new passion and perseverance, it won’t be difficult for you

Aaken:

yes!

Xiao :

I see how the past failure can be an obstacle in the mind

Aaken:

I actually did play more again when I was in Vienna

And did rather well…

But I played with beginners!!!!

Xiao:

You see? I think you can play it well, because you might have several crucial factors:

1. foot work

Aaken:

I have that.

Xiao:

2. harmonious nerve system

Aaken:

mmm

Aaken:

lol

Xiao:

3. a macro view

Aaken:

Yeah!

Xiao:

When you're moving on the court, the first thing is to keep in a very clear conscience of where you are now

Aaken:

yes

Xiao:

No matter how heavy the pressure your competitor imposes on you.

Then your foot can bring you to the most appropriate spot, and comfortably give it a stroke

Aaken:

I have to practice then

But honestly, I wonder when that will be

Xiao:

Yes... But you must under a good coach's encouragement and direction

When?  it depends on how much you want it.

If you really do, you will certainly arrange the time

Aaken:

One thing at a time

Xiao:

Yup... Priority

If it's always at the bottom of your priority list....then....  yuo don't have to seriously consider it

I don't say you must learn that

Xiao:

I merely think it is a good way....a very good way....but not sure if it’s good for you.

Aaken:

It's more a question of timing

Xiao:

Yup....Sort of

I really hope you will like it...then we can play together

Aaken:

yes

Xiao:

In the sports fields, people are more of themselves......nothing to hide, everything exposed thouroughly.

Coz they have to make decision by their basic instinct.

Aaken:

That's true

Xiao:

No time to hide

Aaken:

But isn't that also a training?

Xiao:

The training can do some help to the skills....but honestly, training is merely to enlarge your traits

So you see each player is still full of personalities

Their performances on the court are so different

Hmmmmm...you've have a  good court to release yourself

Music domain

Aaken:

Yes

Xiao:

Actually...i see music and sports are quite similar

Aaken:

But I play according to my own rules

Xiao:

No problem

Aaken:

Well, rules, or lack of any

I just follow my intuition. I go where it takes me

Xiao:

I tell you what....I never really learn playing tennis from others....all by my own intuition

Aaken:

Really?

Xiao:

… and observation

Aaken:

I tell you what, all that I do in my music, comes from me

I was lousy at the music school

Xiao:

Of course later I watch some famous coach's video, thus I can standardize my skill

Hmmmmm that 's why i feel a kinda wild taste from your music.....very.....alternative

I know i'm a genius in sports....

And I also know yours

But i'm more curious to know how these talents can drive us to be

Aaken:

I learn from contemporary as much as from pop music, tango, Indian raga or a waltz by Strauss

Xiao:

yup...I truly believe that you can

For some people born for something, it's never a mystery

You can just walk through the music kingdom like in your own courtyard.

Aaken:

The difficult thing was to be aware that I had to find the clues myself

Xiao:

I'm so familiar with that sense while writing poems, having sports, or doing something else

The clue is thread which you pull through the audiences.

It is the entrance and trail you guide the audiences wandering in your wonderland

The treasures are there, but need a trail to them

Xiao:

So, how flattering can I be?

But the ultimate flatter is to not flatter at all

Ok my dear....I hope you're happy with al these bullshiting

Aaken:

I am in heaven

lol

Xiao:

Watch your steps

Hahahahaha!!!

Now I'm going to meet mum and dad in the stadium.

We're gonna play badminton this time

Aaken:

wow ! What a family !!!

Xiao:

Take your time and see you around

Bye for now

I MUST RUN!

Hugs...

Aaken:

Kisses to you