Saturday, 4 February 2012

Free will astrology

I never read horoscopes, but my eyes caught that one I found in a Hong Kong giveaway newspaper...

"You now have a special talent for helping your allies tap into their dormant potentials and latent energy. If you choose to use it, you will also have a knack for snapping lost sheep and fallen angels out of their wasteful trances. There's a third kind of magic you have in abundance right now, Cancerian, and that's the ability to coax concealed truths out of their hiding places. Personally I'm hopeful that you will make lavish use of these gifts. I should mention however that some people may resist you. The transformation you could conceivable set in motion with your superpowers might seem alarming to them. So I suggest that you hang out as much as possible with changer-lovers who like the strong medicine you have to offer."

I read the entries for the other signs and found that it was less about horoscope than intuitive pearls of wisdom. Rob Brezsny (the writer) is right. I give lots of my time, listening to others and trying to encourage and support them. But that support is sometime seen as an attack. I can think of ChingYao, for instance. 
I wrote him a long letter to apologise. Apologise about what? I had been telling about my fallout with him to Nicolas, and the latter told me that even if there was nothing I could blame myself for, writing apologising could trigger a healing process in our relationship. So I followed his advice and wrote. I recalled the earlier days of our friendship, which actually was closer to an amorous fling. It was the month of July, in 2007. Simon introduced ChingYao to me as he made a stop over in Paris on his way to southern Italy for a recital. He possibly needed someone to coach his singing so I thought of me. During our first session, ChingYao's voice literally enchanted (possessed) me. (ChingYao later told me that someone said that his voice gave him a hard on during a recital...) 
These few days were magical. We were happy and enjoying every second of the day. I took him to Nicole Fallien, a highly respected singing teacher who had honed the likes of Philippe Jarrouski or Natalie Dessay. 
ChingYao then went to Italy for the recital and decided to postpone his return to Taipei and come back to Paris for a few days. By then things were slightly different. We still had a pleasant time, I shared as much music as I could, took him to concerts and had steamy sex with him. But I felt an alteration in our rapport. Anger. I didn't recognised it. I thought it was me. Then I fell sick. That's the time he was to leave. I tried to explain (reason) that I maybe just appeared in his life to provoke a shift. He was in a long term relationship which brought him lost of frustrations. He was angry with his parents, with his agent, his life in Taipei. He was well to aware of all that was at stake.
I recently learned from Nicolas that ChingYao was shocked at my coming to him. Says he, he only wished us to be friends. To use a word now made famous by Madonna after an interview, it's reductive. I was annoyed.
The anger is still there. I attended a healing session that Nicolas a week before I left for Hong Kong. ChingYao was there. I know he had received and read the letter. But there was no apparent indication of it.
Give it time. But for now, it's icy air between us.

People usually see sex as a way to exercise one's power (or to numb a lack of self confidence). I see it as a way to communicate. It could be likened to opening a door. In a life ruled by compulsory sensibility and profit, offering oneself to the other may be the greatest gift. 

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