Wired

In the dream, I heard the noise of glass breaking. The two cats had been playing, jumping and running around the house and as they tried to reach a higher bookshelf, everything collapsed in a big crash.

My brother was sorry about the damage. Izac was there too. The dream ended with FangYi opening the door of the living room, smiling and looking very tanned...

I woke up. The light was still on. 5 o'clock in the morning. Not without difficulty, I had found sleep. It was Andy. He had broken a glass. He and Chubby were still speaking and smoking on the balcony as I fell in an agitated slumber. 

Oh yes, and that's the last day of the month of the ghosts...

5 o'clock. In spite of my exhaustion, I couldn't fall back asleep. I was thinking about FangYi. She had rejected all the new musical proposition I had been working on these past days, saying that she preferred the original versions. To me, the original versions were only incomplete drafts I made as references for her, before I can expand them as the work progresses. It's a pity because I was quite happy and enthusiastic about the new music I had done. It was no longer unused music clumsily patched together, it started to have a life and a personality.

The uneasy realisation that I'm not having a true artistic collaboration with her but instead just supplying background music annoys me. Once again, I am trapped in a situation where I have no say, and work with people who listen to the music with narrow ears. In this regard Jo is a rare gem. There hasn't been another one like him. I also feel the same frustration with this film project. I even feel like call it off and finding a way to return the advance money they wired me a couple of months ago. So far, most of my commissions in Taipei have brought me nothing but frustration... But I also realise this is partly my doing: I accept everything much too easily, even if I know nothing about the project or the people involved, so happy am I to find something to do.

It's a shame especially particularly in FangYi's case, for she is a beautiful and mesmerising performer,

as it also was a shame a few months ago, with that debacle when I worked with Huang Yi on Symphony Project. Much talent, much ado for - to put it mildly, an underwhelming nothing. However, I'm aware that we're not at the end of it and that she may change her mind with time.

For now I feel deeply frustrated. I really do wonder why I keep attracting this kind of situation. What aspect of my life do I have to work on? How long shall it go on before I deserve something good?

Many envy the freedom I have in my life. They just don't realise at what cost.

[...]

Finally! I know how I will approach the music for the film. I had been toying with various possibilities, and I think I should go along with the way Bryan directed his film: as an observer. He doesn't tell the story, nor does he get emotionally committed to characters. That's where the music has to play a part, for scenes which seem to be dragging aimlessly, or scenes where people talk a lot, but where the dialogue isn't actually used in a dramatic way like say, in a play. The balance will then be brought by the music. 
I hope Bryan will agree with that choice, for that's the only solution I see to give the film some hook. I know it may sound presomptuous of me to say so.
I only wish he will not do like FangYi and discard all my effort to enhance what he has done. I feel that his partner and producer agrees with me on many part so I expect to receive his support. I shall see Emily to record the cello parts sometime this week.
It's not the project of a lifetime, but I try to give it all I can.

Under the Civic Boulevard